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“Great picture, you’re still very pretty. But baby, why the sad eyes?”

“We will go see the Mayor when you get here.”

“Ano’ng gusto mo, maging single o magkaroon ng asawang hindi sweet?”

“Kung babalikan mo isa sa mga ex mo, sino’ng babalikan mo?”

“Ayoko’ng magka-boyfriend ng doctor. Pag nambabae siya, magiging laughingstock kami ng buong hospital.”

“Malamang siya ang soul mate mo…”

“Hayaan mo na si… Wag mo na siya isipin o ikabit sa mga bagay bagay gaya ng tsinelas… Stop stop stop. G’nyt. Mwah!”

BUZZ!!!

1: bkt?

2: wala.. malamang may landslide jan sa inyo?

1: ano’ng landslide?

2: i mean baha

1: oo, hahaha..

2: may AH1N1 cases na ba kayo?

1: wala, bkt?

2: wala lang. walang mapag-usapan eh hahaha..

1: hahaha…

BUZZ!!!

BUZZ!!!

One Tuesday Morning

One Tuesday Morning

I can write about the gloominess

The impending war of the gray skies

Hanging up above;

Wanting so much to die easy

But death of love.

I can write about the music

Certainly not of melancholy

Of the droplets that fall;

The hums of the rooftop

Outside this concrete wall.

I can write about the cold coffee

Sitting and staring back

Waiting for my lips;

To pay attention to him,

Jealous of the drips.

I can write about the thumps

Of my heart’s beating

The chaos of thoughts;

Hustling my scribbling fingers

To justify all doubts.

I can write about the beauty

The unfaltering repetitions

And the kindness of them all;

They feed my impulse

They feed my fall.

However, I cannot write

Of the impeccable ardor

Having written all of these;

It would be a poet’s lie because

Sadly, it does not exist.

- 02 1135H Jun 2009

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“You’ve got a raindrop running down your cheek, just like a tear.”

I met up with an old friend from college whom I have not personally talked with for the longest time. Eight years ago, boys and parties and latest pop star icons were our common perks. I was delighted that that evening, they were still the same things that excited us, but to a different level. Maybe because we have grown so much from the past years that suddenly, we were speaking the adult lingo like eager kids.

Just as in my previous blogs, the following article is not a generalized opinion. It is only based on my own views as instructed to me by my own experiences. With the agreement of my friend Dickie, who is presently in the same profession as mine, our stance may not be the same as the other doctors. Though I strongly believe that in one point or another, they may have to agree.

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We doctors have different reasons why we have chosen this field. Out of family pressure, or of our passion for community service, or of external influence perhaps, whatever the cause that we are in this pedestal is beyond the context why we should not be treated like everyone.

I cannot deny that medical school has earned me more respect and apparently more ‘attention’ from others. If this is a positive outlook, I do not want to say it is altogether heavenly. Simply because I do not enjoy being seen and treated as a super human in particular instances. I do not understand why other people have their ways of ‘discriminating’ us because we are MDs. Guys not in the same academic level as ours are scared to date women MDs (which is vice versa to our male counterparts), old friends are too shy to mingle or even say ‘hi!’, co-workers are hesitant to ask questions, drivers asking exorbitant taxi/tricycle fare, etc.

Just like the rest of the world, we are persons too. We eat the same meals, ride the tricycle to work, shop in sales, fight for bargains, run out of money, curse or talk trash, get hurt, get dumped, love, then get dumped again. We are not more than the typical friends anyone can have.

If only they know how predictable and weak we are too. After a tiring day from the hospital, we also long for appreciation, a warm hug, a kind word, a lover to go home to, a hand to hold. I remember Meredith Grey’s lines so well, “Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a question. They wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals… As (doctors), we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients’ needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people’s friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.”

We are not super humans, and we find it sad being singled out just because we aimed higher than the others.

All we want is to be loved a little more, just like everybody else.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m out.

They said…

“Hindi lahat ng bagay babagay sa’yo. Meron ding panget pero carry lang.”

“It takes one small effort to make you jump off your feet.”

“Take the stairs na lang kasi, hintay ka ng hintay ng elevator. Hindi magbubukas yan!”

Habang kumakain sa food court…

Intern 1 to Intern 2: Pare…

Intern 2: (sinuntok si Intern 1 sa mukha)

Intern 1: (hikbi) kukumustahin lang naman kita… (hikbi)

“Wanna have breakfast, sucker?”

“Saan ba ang Alaminos, malapit sa La Union yun di ba???”

“Namimiss ko na’ng tawa mo. Isang bungisngis na halakhak naman diyan!”

“Oh thanks, I love me too!”

“You know what? You suck! Yeah, you heard me right, you suck!!!!” – Winner ka!

These feet will carry me to those two strong arms waiting to hold me close.
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Sometimes, when you think you are already there, reality taps and reminds you, you are not even near enough. And so you walk, and walk, and walk again. Wondering when you will ever see the shadow of comfort.
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Again, can you make a mistake and miss your fate?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
What becomes of the past when they are not buried deep down? They become your future.
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Your hands need warming. Let me hold them.
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Can this be the end of a beautiful friendship?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I envy the rain when it pours. It couldn’t wait to kiss the hungry earth. It does not stop in the sky; it runs straight to her eager soul.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Too much fervor, her lovely blossoms are carried away with the tearful mud. Too little, they wilt in the scorching fire.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The best things in life are not things. (From a billboard somewhere along Balintawak)

Aysus!

“Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang….”

 

“Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sayo kahit na pinasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin yung araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo.”

 

“Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal…nakakatakot mahulog…at kapag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka..”

 

“Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka. Kaya quits lang.”

“Ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ka dapat magmahal ng dalawang tao sa parehong panahon ay katulad ng kung bakit hindi ka pwede magsuot ng sapatos na hindi magkapares sa parehong oras. posible pero pangit tignan.”

“Minsan, para ka palang nagmahal ng pader. habang mas pinagdidiinan mo itulak ang sarili mo, mas nasasaktan ka. pero siya, ‘di pa rin natitinag.”

 

“Okay lang lumaki ng lumaki, tumangkad, at tumanda ng walang nalalaman… kung puno ka.”

 

“Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.”

”Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

 

“Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

”Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

”Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din.”

”Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”

”Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

 

“Parang elevator lang yan, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung wala nang lugar para sa’yo? eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin…”

 

 

“Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.”

“Ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko. ”

“Hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?”

 

“Mangarap ka at abutin mo ito. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta o mga lumilipad na ipis.Kung may pagkukulang sa’yo ang mga magulang mo, pwede kang manisi at mag rebelde… tumigil ka sa pag aaral, mag drugs ka at magpakulay ng buhok sa kilikili.Sa bandang huli, ikaw din ang biktima… Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili.”

 

“Kung madami kang dapat gawin pero wala kang ginagawa, hindi katamaran ang dahilan nun..may iniisip ka..”

“Kung ang tinapay nga na iniwan mo sa mesa may kumukuha, yun pa kayang mga bagay na mas mahalaga sa’yo?..wala nang nagtatagal sa panahong ito at kung may iiwan ka, siguraduhin mong hindi na iyon mahalaga..”

“Sa kolehiyo, madaming impluwensiya ang makikita, masama o mabuti man ito..wag isisi sa thesis partner o sa kaibigan ang lahat kung bakit nasira ang baga mo sa pagyoyosi, nasira ang atay mo sa kakainom at kung bakit nagkaroon ka agad ng pamilya..kung talagang matino kang tao, kahit sino pang tarantado ang kasama mo ay maitutuwid mo pa rin ang daanang tatahakin mo..”

“Paano mo makikita yung taong para sa’yo kung ayaw mo namang tantanan yung taong pinipilit mong maging para sa’yo..”

 

“Hindi dahil manhid ka ay wala ka nang kakayahang manakit.”

 

“Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”

 

“Kung tatamaan lang ng kidlat ang mga taong hindi marunong tumupad sa salitang PROMISE siguro nagmistula ng fireworks ang kalangitan sa dami nito.”

 

“Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”

 

“Hindi kayang tumbasan ng isang libong mababait ng tao ang pagmamahal ng isang gagu!”

= Bob Ong

Bumble Bee

Like what I usually do when I am in the right emotional state, I read my old blogs to be reminded of some significant happenings in the past, and to reassess myself.

Almost a year ago, I have been writing so much on bitterness and rejection. Months after that, I still wrote about the same person with the same abhorrence. A memory of it all never failed to make me cry.

Now, as I was going through the pages again, I am proud to say that it does not sting anymore. Not even a slight bite of the roughness I have gone through… and I am happy. I am happy to be able to say that I can see myself and my future better now than ever. So I guess it is time.

It is definitely my time to shine!

This time, let me talk about the White and Blue, our country, and me in between.

 

I never thought my passion for literature would expand and change my principles, perhaps for the rest of my life, since I was accepted some time in 1998 as one of the writers of the White and Blue, the official student publication of my then university SLU. Along with the meaningful friendships I established during this time, it was the cornerstone of my persona’s formation into early adulthood.

 

As I started being a staff writer, my eyes were right away opened to the bitter realities of the Pinoy society. Through my assignments in different fields and our coffee/beer/gin-accompanied group discussions, I saw things in a wider perspective, met and learned from people from various walks of life. I got acquainted with the poor, the rich, the politicians, the leftists, the abortionists, the artists, etc. I walked the streets of Baguio City on political rallies, fought for my principles, boycotted against the school administration, was called for and threatened with suspension from college graduation. I learned how the government cheated on each Filipino, and how the latter loved to be deceived every time. It seems to be an endless cycle.

 

In one CEGP conference, I met Karl, a fellow writer from the Western Mindanao State University. We became friends and I communicated with him since then. He would write to me and tell me stories when he walked through the trails of the Abu Sayyaf captives, almost ambushed by the government militia, when Zamboanga was threatened with bombs and more kidnappings, etc. In return, I told him what we have been doing to oust the then President Erap, rallies we attended, underground news we heard. We would exchange political and personal views. Ten years since then, nothing changed from what we used to complain about. I told him I am tired of waiting that someday, corruption would lessen if not end and that the government would pay more attention to the education of millions of illiterate Filipinos. I am surprised with what Karl replied. He encouraged that I should not lose hope even after all those years. Otherwise, who would uphold the ideals if nobody no longer trusts the government?

 

I also met extraordinary people like Ate Audrey, who, despite the evident dangers of working for the battered women and children, and for the common tao, never ceased to advocate their causes. Individuals like them who were willing to risk their lives for people they do not even personally know. They do not have cars, no fancy jewelries, not even a fixed income to feed their families. Just their innate desire to serve.

 

While I was forming my own identity as I became a young adult, I was encircled by different personalities owing to my exposure with W&B. Experience taught me to choose who and what to believe, and to stand up to these beliefs. It is perhaps why I have been branded with this strong face and a likewise sturdy character. People like Karl and Ate Audz continue to inspire me to become better in what I do. I may not be rallying the streets anymore nor writing anti-government editorials, as I told Karl, but something still pushes me to fight for better governance. An excellent means perhaps, in my own little ways, is to serve my patients diligently and honestly.

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It has been years since I saw my former colleagues in that well-feared and talked about campus publication. The last time I sat with them was exactly 4 years ago before I enrolled in Medicine, and I remember most the sharing about the good books we have read, the comments of then latest edition of the Kuwaderno (the literary folio of W&B which is published yearly), and what Denden had been doing working with the Americans. We, of course, talked (a little) about politics and relationships. These things I miss doing with the people who never knew their contribution to my formation.

 

I was not one of the paper’s hot-shot writers, I never met deadlines, I did not belong to any core group, or may not even be remembered as an editor. I may not have affected them, but they affected me. W&B has helped me a great deal in maturing, more than anybody from the organization has known. 

 

I guess this is what Ate Midori, my former Editor, had been telling me about. And it has not stopped burning inside me after all - the White and Blue legacy.

Yes, it is desolation that perplexes the need for two comforting hands and the hunger for freedom.

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She came up to me and hugged me tightly as if I was away for decades, but was only for one night. The boys looked up to me and asked how long I will stay with them this time… No amount of exhaustion can compare with their happy faces when I come home.

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There is so much to prove, so many expectations to meet. I want to say I am tired, but there is no room for selfishness.

I am clambering through the hills of uncertainty. If this is the right path to trudge, I am hoping the other side of the mountain is a good view of what is foreseen. If in case I am making the wrong decision, I still hope I would emerge being a better person for each part of myself I risk.

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Do not look out for happiness because it comes out naturally from you; learn how to build and emanate it … Remind me this everyday.

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At some point, I am made to feel when I am only needed, but unwanted.

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I have been fervently waiting. Waiting… Waitin… Wait… Wai… W…

Consuelo de Bobo

It can be very tiring to love someone who is half yours, half there, or who does not want to be there at all. To be torn twice by the same person can be excruciating.

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Resilience is not measured on how high you have built your barriers to keep people from hurting you. It is not how much you have fought against each strike they aim at you. Real strength is the confidence despite the rejection, being there despite the disregard for your friendship, standing up even after the tremendous fall. It is embracing the pain and letting it mold you a steadfast personality.

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This is me. Who I am is what you made me. I am the blank paper you have written on.  The story I tell is the story you wrote. If it was short and brief, it was because you never spent time to fill in memories to make one whole wonderful plot.

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I’m out.

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