There is too much pretense in this world that the lies
become truth already. That no matter how the truth sticks out under your nose,
you still cared for the lies you hear over and over again. Reality becomes overwhelming
and unbelievable for you. Worst, unreasonable. And then you begin to blame
people for hurting you when in fact, you have been doing it to yourself all
along. You just refused to recognize it. Why? Because you let your self be
subdued by the world’s deceit. You jumped into the pit; nobody pushed you. You
manage to climb out alright, but you bounce back again. Subconsciously, you
create your own pattern of mistakes. Consciously, you keep on repeating them.
So where is the lesson there? The truths that overwhelm you along the way.
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Money is not the root of all evil. Lack of love is.
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I had my first mortality yesterday and I am crushed. The
last time I saw him, his family gave me the best reward I haven’t had the past
weeks, a sincere “thank you” for spending time with them. (Way longer than the
attending physician does. I happened to be at the bed side when the AP checked
on the poor comatose guy. He barely talked a full minute with the confused
family, and I was utterly disgusted.) Later today, I was hoping to see him
awake from coma but was disappointed to see another patient occupying his bed.
The nurse said he already expired… Is it okay to feel this bad? Or am I overly
attached to my patients I have to learn to disengage? If I do, would I care
less like his attending? Good Lord, I hope not.
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Your question “You want to talk about it?” means a lot, even
if I do not want to talk about it. Or maybe I do. Nonetheless, thank you.
